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Marriage and Hypocrisy

A year or two after I stepped out of high school, an old friend brought it to my notice that one of our classmate was married. In fact, she got married immediately after school was over. It took me a while to digest, that a girl who changed her boyfriend every season, settled down for arranged marriage, so soon. But what shocked me more was, a girl who showcased the hottest and trendiest cloths in town back then, suddenly gave it all up and never stepped out of her house without wearing the traditional abaya anymore.

That was just the beginning. As years passed by, more got married and with every wedding that took place, there was definitely someone talking about it and discussing it.  It just gave the not-yet-married ones more to ponder over. More to gossip over. More to think over. Come on! Didn’t you immediately whatsapp your bestie when you stumbled over ‘Her’ wedding news! Don’t deny it, we have all, sort of done it at some point. At this point, it has become more of a daily thing, well of course simple reason being, the rate at which the weddings are taking place have escalated. Actual reason being, we are getting older, but let us just ignore that like how we usually do.

A while back, some of these girls would not even throw a glance at someone “who was not so happening” “not so wow” “not charming enough” “not fun enough” etc etc, and any guy three years or more older than her was completely out of her league, simply too boring to be with and totally not acceptable to be seen around with. The moustached were eeewwwe and the clean shaven were gay! But then after few years, a wedding album pops up. She, of course gorgeous as ever, stood next to a man about five years older than her, with a little belly not too well camouflaged by his Manish Malhotra Sherwani! But then of course when we see the final fully edited professional album, all the excess baggage is perfectly hidden off by her hand strategically placed over his tummy and head over his shoulder, like those typical bollywood-movie-made-for-each-other poses.  He no longer belonged to the 'Boring Moustached Uncle' category, but he now belonged to he is ‘The One’ category. A typical conversation usually goes like, “How did you both meet?” “Oh! It was an arranged marriage, but then we fell in LOVE eventually. We are settling in so and so and he does so and so for his living”. Actual words often differ, but the base remains pretty much the same. It can be deciphered as - She is not exactly proud of it being an arranged marriage, but she has to prove it there is love and all that involved so an extra stress on “but we fell in love eventually”…he is a rich dude, not a struggler, life-made-easy, so all her immature criteria can be ignored and yes that’s why she loves him.

Looking at another plot, all through their bachelor hood, they usually find any girl younger than them by more than three years, to be a ‘kido’ and too immature to be dated or be involved with. She is way too quirky and her description of fun doesn’t match his. But suddenly when he is somewhere in or around his 30’s, he happily marries a girl who is just in her early 20’s. Either the ageing process weakens his brain cells disabling him to do simple maths and figure out the age difference, or he is a pedophile. (I am not saying this, this is the picture I got going by his definition of kids few years back). “So how did you guys meet?” “Well, it’s an arranged marriage dude, mom chose, I decided to give it a try…she is pretty, very innocent, full of life and fun…. she is a nice girl and man what an amazing cook and yeah eventually we fell in LOVE”. Of course at that age put any girl a decade younger than you next to you, she will look far prettier than you. What seemed childish a while ago, is acceptable now. You probably just need to be taken care of and she seems to fit in. Looks like the reasons are good enough for you to fall in love!

I agree every individual has their own confused definition of love, but helloo!! What kind of 'falling in love' was that? Not trying to sound like a heartless woman, but seriously, the so called love in both scenario is based more on life statuses & skill sets and very very little on the individuals they actually were. Sounds more like something to do with job recruitment process than something to do with finding a life partner. ‘THE’ life partner. The partner you plan on spending your entire life with! Where did all the commonly heard lines disappear? “I need someone who understands me”; “Someone who is like me”; “Someone with whom I can emotionally connect (and physically too!)”; “Someone I can just be crazy with?”; “Someone blah…and blah and blah?”

In most of these cases, they hardly get few months to actually know each other. I really wonder how do you judge a person in just few months, the few months where you are constantly being told in your head, to be nice! Movies, coffee, lunch, dinner, partying, late night calls, chats, skype whatever it maybe, you are always trying to be nice, subconsciously and consciously. The true self comes out only after the 'let’s be nice' phase is over. But before you even reach that phase you are probably already married. A new job also keeps you on a 6 month to 1 year probation period before you become their permanent employee, because they are not too sure, if you are actually as perfect as you seemed during your interview! I know it was probably the most ridiculous thing to compare arranged marriage with, but that's exactly my point, we have a dilemma about this whole concept, because this is what is exactly happening.

Why is that when it comes to arranged marriage, there is always a hurry? Why it is that life suddenly is expected to function on turbo mode? Why is that he is no longer an uncle for you or she is not a little kid for you? Is this maturity with age or blind acceptance? Is this adjustment or is it compromise?

A friend just posted her engagement snap. Those of you are who are imagining a romantic couple snap, let me tell you, no! it was a solo picture.  The engagement itself was a surprise to everyone, even to whom she met a week back. She wasn’t someone who kept her life private and away from world of social media. The to-be groom’s picture was nowhere to be found, neither was his name seen anywhere. Any query about the groom was casually ignored or simply just deleted. I wasn’t stalking her, but you know those days when you are sitting idle at work and try to kill time, and left with no choice but read the string of comments that pops up every two minutes, because you commented “Congratulations”. Frankly, I wasn’t surprised a bit. This was not the first time I saw something of this sort. This was a very common trend. The supporting reason is usually “We didn’t want it to be jinxed”. But we all know you are getting married going by your profile picture sweet pea, what if we jinx it now? We need better reasons honey. There can be only 3 reasons-

(a) You are not too comfortable about your partner

(b) You are not too comfortable about get married, at least not right now

(c) You are not happy about the whole thing or you have fear of the unknown

Why do we get so loose and so helpless when it comes to arranged marriage? Have you ever met someone who says it with all excitement and smiles that his/her parents are searching for someone? Won’t lie I have met only one! Just ONE in my entire life among I don’t know how many, who announced it with super excitement and actual smiles. But then again when the actual process began, her excitement sort of died down. Why do we blindly follow the herd? Why are we so hesitant to change the trend? It is you who is getting married! Not your mother. Not your father. You and your spouse will be solely held responsible to make it work. Not your mother. Not your father. Then why aren’t we solely held responsible when it comes to choosing the partner as well? I am not against arranged marriage; I am against ‘I will marry whoever my parents choose marriage’. Think over it there is a huge difference. Why do we suddenly become a spineless mama’s boy….. or a brain dead daddy’s little girl and accept things without using our own grey matter?

It all worked well for the older generations, it can work for us too. Possible. Maybe the connection will be built over years of being together. May be.  But what if it doesn’t? Can we really ignore the statistics? Look around! The number of divorces are increasing, and an alarming number of split ups are more or less based on compatibility issues. The concept of marriage counselling is gaining popularity. That wouldn’t have been possible if they didn’t have confused couples walking in. It was not well taken earlier, if someone filed a divorce case. It is still not well taken completely, but people are more open than before. Things are coming out in light. Though not completely. Extra marital existed earlier too, it exists now too. Just that it is easier to spot them out now. Majority of extra marital can be traced down to one reason. They are not getting what they want within their own marriage boundaries.

Everybody has a little dream, about their life partners. Right from when we enter our teenage hood, our subconscious mind is on a constant look out for the perfect match. Call it hormonal take over, human needs or whatever you want. We all have some bench marks set up in our head. Found someone? Sure about her? Put in some honest effort, make it work; convince the family, it is time consuming but trust me it is not impossible (Read blog # 1). Not sure about her? Go back to the lookout phase. Start over again. Find someone. (Unless you are one of those jerks who just wants to have some fun with the wildest of chics and then ultimately say ‘jaise mummy ki marzi’ and settle down for a homely, shy, coy girl. Dear girls, do yourself a favour and kindly refrain from marrying these commonly found two faced samples. Their own history speaks for their character and you do not have to be part of their ridiculous back up plan) Still haven’t found some one? No problem, arranged marriage was probably designed for this! But sadly once we reach this phase, we suddenly change. Why do we have this I-give-up attitude and ready to settle down for anything outlook once we reach this phase? Being flexible is a good thing, but being stupidly docile is a nothing to be proud of.

Why is it that when we are in arranged marriage scenario, the partner is chosen based more on your parent’s expectation and less on the actual in picture? Opinions will obviously differ. We are from different time period. My mother finds Anil Kapoor to be a very good looking man and John Abraham to be an ugly bag of excess muscles. I, on the other hand, any day would prefer shirtless or probably even bottom less John Abraham, wohooo, over shirtless Anil Kapoor. It is no big deal for my mom to do daily house chores in a saree. In fact she is more comfortable in a saree than denims. Needless to say it’s a different story for our generation. Voice out what you expect from your partner! Voice out what you expect from a marriage! Voice out what you expect from your life! Tell your dad, the degrees, qualifications or bank balance are not the only thing to be checked out for (Unless your only priority is showers of Gucci, Channel, Louis Vuitton, and Prada…or a shiny BMW as token of love from your darling pop in law, or a return on investment for your education expenditure). It doesn’t take long for someone to go up the ladder or miss a step and slip off. Tell your mom milky skin, jet black hair, cleaning and cooking abilities are not very important. Spend some money at Kaya, one will transform into a Goddess. You tube Tarla Dalal, and there you have the perfect Khaman Dhokla recipe in your hand, with the procedure which you can watch over and over again until you say it out like a parrot. Ask Google and she will give you 15 tested and tried home remedies to remove that tough haldi stain, or even give you tutorials for making perfect round chapattis! Tell them the horoscope doesn’t matter, because the same book of astrology seems to have more than one solution for every damn problem quoted in the horoscope. The caste doesn’t matter any longer when we have reached a phase where it is not shocking at all to find a Shudra with a million dollar bank balance and a Brahmin doing dishes at the little restaurant across the street. There was a reason why you were made to read about its history back in school. Not to score a 10/10, but to understand and apply!

One fine evening, we crossed a wedding hall with shennai in full blast and lights flashing enough to make one grab their sunnies. My mother was confused and was more confused when she realized it was a Hindu marriage. According to her they shouldn’t be getting married now. It was ‘THAT’ month of the year, where you are advised not to take out muhrat or something of that sort. Kind of like the black month in calendar. Partly out of curiosity and partly out of my habit of arguing with her about anything and everything that doesn’t make sense to me, I questioned her, Why? What is wrong? What will happen? “Because it is not a good month!” What’s not so good? How do you decide if a month is BAD? She took it up as a challenge and decided to dig out the actual reason. Turned out; back in those days, the weather was not so good! Made sense then, not any more. What I am trying to say is our ancestors and great great grand fathers were smart people; highly intellectual and intelligent people. Let’s continue with the smartness. Let’s not contradict them by following them blindly, rather let’s make them proud by following the base reasons behind them. Importance should be given to important things. Relevant things. Things that make sense in 2013. Stop saying, nah! you can't change the mind set.

You do not have to rush it up at all. Get to know each other. Take as long as it takes. By getting to know each other, I am not referring to courtship! That comes after we have made up our mind. I am talking about getting to know each before entering the courtship phase. A couple took two long years, to decide if they were meant for each other before saying just a yes and proceed further. It was an arranged marriage (Before you make an assumption, no her family wasn’t the ‘super cool’ types either). She doesn’t have the slightest fear of him being the wrong guy. Woken up middle of the night, she would still say “I DO” without thinking twice. I think the two years wait was worth it, compared to the frequent wedding jitters and cold feet some of them go through. Ever spoken to a friend just a week before wedding, “I am scared! I am still not sure if she is the right girl for me! What if something goes wrong” This is very very very common. Why say a yes if you are still not completely sure? What is wrong in taking a little more time to be sure? If she turns out to be the right girl, wonderful. What if she doesn’t? You are not going to achieve anything greater by marrying a year earlier and yes this applies to all the ladies out there too, who are unreasonably whining about getting older!

Let us not force ourselves into something we are paranoid about. Something we are uncertain about. Change is acceptable if it is for the good but compromising with who we are is not acceptable. Marriage is supposed to be one of the most beautiful things humans have created. It is a powerful institution. Let’s respect it and let’s take sensible steps towards it rather than a casual, half-hearted approach. Your better half is called so because he or she is supposed to bring out your better side and not suppress your individuality. And yes it is the other way round too. Do not change yourself; do not expect a change from the opposite, unless it is for the betterment. Be open, be patient, be what you want. Do not compromise with self, do not be fake, and do not leave scope for slightest regret. Let the glow on your face on your wedding day be a natural one. Let the smile on your face be seen through your eyes. And do not have a nervous breakdown a week before the wedding unsure of what are you getting into. Be proud of who you are marrying. Be happy about what you are getting into. There is nothing wrong in arranged marriage. Absolutely nothing wrong if your parents find you your partner. But do not marry someone simply and only cause your parents said so. Take charge of your life. Take charge of the choice you make. Take charge of your happiness. Let us be honest with ourselves and rise above hypocrisy. 

The Rejection

“We came to your house because your father requested us to do so. And it was with the intention of building a relationship and not friendship for your kind information. All your issues that you have told me, do not tell the same to anyone else, it may get your dad insulted. Take care and do not waste someone else’s time.” 

And that was the last ping she received from Mr A, followed by him blocking her off Facebook. Rude, manner less,  immature, childish, and off course insulting would be the apt words to describe it all. But glad his low mind-set surfaced up and to her luck; he was out of the scene, for good. 

Let us rewind things a little bit. This is the story about a girl who was in ‘that phase’ of her life, where her parents believed, that the only important thing in her life right now was to settle down. She was in that phase where she ran out of all possible excuses, to delay the drama. It was that phase where her father thought, if not done ASAP; the world would simply collapse, whereas her mother was overly worried about her biological clock ticking away. 

But she wasn't really ready for this drama in her life yet. She watched her friends get married one by one and saw some of them step into motherhood as well, but somehow, it did not fancy her much. She and her single friends would often laugh over getting older day by day, but would also feel good about still acting like insane teenagers and being totally irresponsible and stupid. 

It was not exactly that she wasn't ready; it was just that she was confused. In fact, she was majorly confused. She was not sure about what she wanted. I mean she knew what she wanted to wear for her wedding, knew exactly what color to wear and even sort of planned out her hairdo and also the jewelry for the big day (Thanks to all those professional wedding photographs all over the internet, and also thanks to all those wedding magazines, one stumbles over at salons). She had a circle of super crazy friends and she knew they were all going be her bridesmaids, without even her consent. Her wild bunch of friends even had her hen’s night sort of planned out (though she was highly doubtful about the male strippers they promised her); her first-night-gift also was pre-decided by them, and she knew it was something she shouldn't open in front her in laws for sure! All these seemed all exciting and fun, but she wasn't sure about the main aspect of the drama – THE GROOM! She didn't know what kind of guy to look out for. In fact, she didn't even know if she was ready to get married or if she actually wanted to get married at all or not. The whole idea of marrying and living with some ‘stranger’, for the rest of her precious life, totally freaked her out! 

Anyway, her worried father, totally aware of her confusion, knew she wouldn't really utilize the liberty given to her, to find a guy on her own and thus decided to self-hunt the prey. He was way too freaked out himself, and thought if waited a bit longer the eligible candidates would be gone off the market and she would have to compromise with the left overs, that is, if something would still be left! He decided to spread the word. In no time the word reached the entire family and their families and the neighbors and their neighbors, old friends, new friends, friends of friends and that distant uncle and that aunt who probably never met her in the last 20 years and that other uncle staying across seven seas and seven oceans and that blah and that other blah and that blah’s blah. Meanwhile, completely convinced by the commercials, he decided to open up an account on a very famous matrimony site. That’s where he shortlisted a few so called eligible samples. One among them was Mr A. In no time contact details were exchanged. Father spoke to father. And tadaaaa Mr A coordinately invited over to SEE her with his family. 

Now, she was someone who totally didn't agree with the concept of arranged marriage, leave aside the concept of matrimony site! Think over it, it’s nothing but more or less an advanced online dating site! (No wonder the popularity!). A list of opposite sex profiles are put up for you to pick from. You send a request to the ones that seems attractive (what so ever the reason maybe) and wait for a response. If graced by a positive reply, chances are you guys will meet up soon, aka date. The only difference being, it is most likely to be a group date with supporting cast involved. But if you are among the lucky ones, you may get to experience the one-on-one date privilege too! I bet the idea of matrimony site was stolen from dating site! And besides this, there really should be a way to sue these sites. Except for the contact details, these sites don’t really validate any other details put in, including facts like if he is already married with 10 children or not, or if he slaughters goats or cures the sick for his living. A friend of mine insists that these sites should include a criminal profile as well! She tried explaining the same to her parents but they were way too trapped by the marketing strategies. 

The girl agreed to just go with the flow, simply to avoid any kind of Bollywood drama and emotional scene at home. She decided not to inquire a thing about the guy, simply because she didn’t feel like it. No, she wasn't trying to surprise herself in Hindi movie style, more like she trying to save herself from watching a horribly made horror movie. 

Finally, the day came and she was totally amused in a weird way as she watched her mom prepare for ‘His Excellency’s’ arrival. The snacks-shacks, chai-shai, mithai-shithai……. everything was pre planned and set. The house seemed extra cleaner than usual days. She got dressed in a simple salwar suit and her stylist for the day, I mean her mother, came over to ensure she was ready to walk the ramp. She scanned her head to toe, and from nowhere suddenly dropped a bling-bling gold chain around her neck and a pushed a nice, intricately designed, super shiny, gold bangle up her wrist. Going by the question mark blinking on her face, her mother just smiled and said “Girls look prettier in gold” (Probably wealthier too!). So after all the added beautification, her mother led her into the hall where the judges for the evening were comfortably seated and were enjoying the beverages served already. The panel consisted of off course Mr A, his brother and his parents. Since she didn't bother looking at his snap earlier, she wasn't sure which among the two brothers the 'Guest of Honor'  was. The girl sat quietly and was bored to death listening to all those tall stories the families bragged about themselves. Finally she understood why girls always looked at the floor during such scenario. It is not because she is all shy and coy. It is because she is utterly bored. 

Through the very-boring-super-fake-conversation happening in the room, she learnt the guy was a doctor (why am I not surprised!). A few obvious questions asked to the girl, like “What is your name?” Seriously? Maybe they were just voice testing the product. Occasionally they would casually comment, “I think she is feeling shy”. (Only if the venue for this meeting was the club down the lane, they would know how shy she actually was!). Next it was decided; the girl and boy should talk and get to know each other. Suddenly the seating arrangement changed and there, Mr A sat next to the girl. Oh off course the rounds of samosas and mithais continued side by side. How convenient! They come home, hog on some nice eateries and plus the guy gets to totally flirt with the girl, openly! (Guys seriously if you are going to someone’s house for a similar reason, kindly do not go empty handed. When you know a lot of effort has been taken for your highness’s arrival, please acknowledge it in whatever small way you can. Remember you are not doing them a favour by showing your face. Trust me it will only help you make a better impression). 

Unlike a Bollywood movie plot, the first thought when he sat next to her wasn’t really an OMG feeling. It was more like OMG what is that smell feeling! No it wasn’t the cologne for sure. This was a girl who almost reached orgasm when she sniffed in some pour de homme, and almost went Euphoric walking around the isle in men’s perfume section! She definitely knew this wasn’t any of those masculine fragrances. This was odour, body odour. Silently she prayed for her olfactory receptors to get acquainted to the not so pleasant chemical stimuli ASAP. 

Next, she decided to take a close look at him. She wasn’t someone who judged people by their looks, but then the bitch inside her reminded her, at the moment she really couldn’t judge him based on anything else but looks. Yes theory says it right; the first thing one notices about someone are his eyes and teeth. Eyes: They were huge! And as he spoke they somehow became bigger. He probably had spectacles on to prevent them from falling off his orbital sockets. (She had totally lost control over her inner bitch). Teeth: 3rd molar to 3rd molar smile! A full smile exposed his entire dentition for public view. He decided to take the lead, and started off with some random questioning, with occasional lamer than lame jokes, which didn’t really amuse her much. The jokes didn’t qualify enough, to even be a PJ. Subconsciously she marked him a big zero for the parameter- Sense of Humour. He wasn’t being a joker out of nervousness or shyness. He showcased his idiotism with absolute confidence. Next, a sudden rapid fire round: Do you like going to malls? Do you like going for movies? What kind of movies do you like? What’s your favourite cuisine? Do you like Mc D? (Asked in the same order) and once he got all the answers he put his thumbs up and flashed his Happy Dent smile! Not really sure if he had already planned out a date in his head. And by the way, his favourite restaurant was Mc D ??!! (I will not comment on that). She really wasn’t enjoying the conversation; she wasn’t sure if he was trying hard to be stupid or was it his default settings. 

As the not so exciting conversation proceeded, he got into medico world and I swear he shouldn’t have tried to show off his 7 days dental-posting-knowledge to this chick, who by the way was a dental surgeon herself. You may have done your MD in Medicine, but dude, someone with a degree in dentistry will any day know about management of post extraction case far better than you. This part of the convo boiled her blood and aroused her violent streak. She was totally tempted to ram his head into the table in front and traumatize the points on his mandible, which had high chances of resulting in fracture! 

Meanwhile, the moms went around for a ‘house tour’ (so that’s why the best of bed sheets were spread out I guess). When they got back to the base where they were seated, his mom suggested she should show him the house. WHAT? What’s the idea? Did they have some plans of robbery? (Now I know why my friend insisted on criminal history) Or were they trying to estimate the dowry? Anyway, she took him around the house in the fastest possible speed she could, when suddenly “Is this the top floor?”... “umm yes”… “What’s on top?”...What do you answer to that? A helipad? A Penthouse?...Her dad wasn’t Ambani to own a customized Jacuzzi or a personalised pool on top. Under normal circumstances, it’s generally a terrace, which was more than obvious for her resident’s architecture. Guess it was those cheesy attempts to take the girl upstairs for some hanky panky! But she did not take him to the terrace (though taking him upstairs and pushing him off, resulting in more than mandibular fracture this time, was an option) but back to the hall and just prayed for all of this to get over as soon as possible. 

Finally they left and she was more than happy to get out of the salwar suit back into her comfortably loose micro shorts and hog on those samosas like a wild animal. Late at night she logs on Facebook and there, a string of pings from Mr A. She checked the time, first ping exactly 40 minutes after he left. She replied and decided to add him. 

She decided to shoo away her inner bitch for a while and tried to connect with her good side! She thought over it and decided to give him a chance. She was cent per cent sure he had no idea what she actually was, and thought what if it was vice versa. She went through his not so exciting Facebook albums, shared his picture with one among the to-be-bridesmaid, who instantly replied nothing but just “eeeeeee”. She used her stalking skills to dig out whatever she could and wondered if he was doing the same. She wondered what his reaction was to all her party pictures in itsy-bitsy cloths with beer bottle in hand and boys by her side! Anyway the chat sessions began. No matter how super bitchy she would get in her head, she decided to be nice. He wanted to do this over phone, but she insisted on chat, simply because she didn’t want it look like she was waving a green flag. “Just wanted to know did you like me in the first meeting?” “Damn, should I actually tell him?” she thought. “See Mr A, I don’t believe in arranged marriage, and frankly I don’t think it is possible to know a person in span of few hours” “Yes I understand that, but still did you like anything at all about me?” ..Did he just re phrase the same question! She replied the same again. The re phrasing and para phrasing went on for a while. He then admitted that one meeting was enough for him to like her and that he liked her smile in specific. Surprised, she wanted to ask if he knew to differentiate a fake smile from a real one. She could only remember a fake plastic smile stuck on her face that evening. 

This drama went on, and no matter how hard she tried she just couldn’t like him! They were different as individuals and their thought process worked at different frequencies. 

Mr A: “So do you like fish?” 

“Oh I love fish, but I am not a fan of bengali fish….I love coastal fish…rohu and ilish doesn’t excite me like it excites other bongs….I would any day prefer pomfret fried in southy style over them.. I’m more into seafood” 

“Yuck! I don’t like seafood. I like fresh water river fish. Typically cooked in Bengali style” 

She says “Finally it is raining.. love the weather…temperature under control” 

“Are you serious? I hate it, it is so humid” 

Mr A: “Do you drink or smoke?” 

“Yep I do. I don’t smoke but yes I do drink. My parents aren’t aware but yes I drink on a regular basis….what about you?” 

“Yes I drink too. What do you drink?” 

“It depends on my mood. But usually its either vodka or rum..but lately whisky has joined the list ..you?” 

“I like whiskey but my favourite is martini and red wine” 

MARTINI?? MARTINI!! A guy’s favourite drink is martini? Oh boy what a turn off! She just wanted to bang her head against the wall. Martini glasses no matter how sexy it looks in a woman’s hand, it looks equally gay in a man’s hand. Fine James Bond’s drink is martini, but he was no Bond!! She imagined a scene, where she sat with a solid glass with some neutral shaded liquid on the rocks in her hand with a man opposite her holding a sophisticated glass with some olives swimming through some eye catchy, vividly coloured fluid. 

“So you said you didn’t believe in arranged marriage? Then how did you get yourself involved in this situation?” 

“I had some issues” 

“Ok” 

“What about you? Ever had a girlfriend?” 

“No was always busy with studies. I never really had that kind of time. I had a stupid fling when I was in school, but she ditched me. Ever since then never got lucky. What about you?’ 

“I had a guy when I was in high school, but I was a kid then so doesn’t really count” 

“Oh wow that’s a similarity” 

In less than a second “But then, I had someone for about 4 years and I was pretty serious about him” 

A sudden pause followed by chat window flashing “Mr A is typing” on and off with no actual message. 

“Oh ok. Then what happened why didn’t you go ahead?” 

“Well he is from the South and our parents didn’t agree…and that’s the issue I was talking about!” 

“Sad! So do you still love him?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Ok see all this drama happened recently. And we are still in touch” “See I could have hidden all these easily. But I decided not to, because I want things to be transparent!” “You should know about me, and I don’t want to build something based on lies. I hope you understand. Whatever happened, has happened but end of the day he is still a great friend of mine and I hope it is ok if I stay in touch with him” 

“Oh that’s alright; you can be friends with whoever you want. I like your honesty” 

Some random not related to the topic chat continued when suddenly…. 

“I am going to tell you something. You have been dumped and truth is you have been rejected. He will marry someone else and will not bother about you. He will forget you. He doesn’t care. That’s the ultimate truth” 

Huh? From where did that come from? So all the while this WAS bothering him and there, it’s out. But boy you had hit the wrong button. Not only did you infuriate her, you just flashed your low mind set in a very obvious way. You didn’t even know the guy! You didn’t even know the circumstances under which things might have happened. Instead of being a little supportive or at least making an attempt to understand the situation, you decided to post comment about someone you had absolutely no idea about. Only if technology was advanced enough to send tight slaps at click of a button, with pain intensity controlled by arrow keys! The angry young woman calmed her nerves down and told him not to get judgemental about someone or something he knew nothing about. 

This went on for another few days, and she realized this was heading nowhere. The kind of girl he wanted, she was not her. She discussed it out with two of her friends, one happily married and one happily single, to get a variation in opinion. It was a long discussion. (Actually, it was more than an hour long of laughing at the situation like mad haters followed by less than 5 minutes of serious discussion to come up with the final inference). It was decided to close the chapter. She wasn’t sure how to put it across. She actually framed the to-be-said lines, revised, re revised and finally made a third person proof read it to ensure it wasn’t rude and demeaning. She cut-copy-pasted the pre decided message, and clicked enter. In a while, he replied that it was alright and it was a good thing that she was not forcing herself into a marriage she was not keen on. 

“If it is not meant to happen it will not.” 

Good byes were told and they signed off. She was glad it was all over. She could sense her inner bitch and her good side chest bump and celebrate in joy holding hands but also felt a little bad just in case he was hurt. 

Two days later… 

Ping received, “If you don’t want me in your life why haven’t you deleted me yet?” WHAT? Where the hell did that come from? It never even crossed her mind, if he should be still on her friend list or deleted off. Seriously? We are not kids’ dude, that if A fights with B, B will unfriend A. Such things made sense when we were in second grade when fights over colouring book meant returning back friendship band we gave each other. 

“Well I never thought of it that way? I thought we could be friends if not anything else” “If it bothers you, you can delete me”. 

“We came to your house because your father REQUESTED us to do so. And it was with the intention of building a RELATIONSHIP and not FRIENDSHIP for your kind information. All your ISSUES that you have told me do not tell the same to anyone else, it may get your DAD insulted. Take care and do not waste someone else’s time.” 

Before she could finish reading, she was already blocked off. Lord saved his Soul. If he had not blocked her, she would have given it back to him, pretty bad and probably would have burnt him alive with verbal fire. 

We are not piece of unwanted, old furniture lying around the house that our fathers would ‘request’ someone to come over and take it off, for your kind information. Every father wants his daughter to be happier than the happiest. That’s the base line. It’s a mutual understanding between the families to get together and know each other. Being from the groom’s side doesn’t give you a superior power to accept or reject. It was just a formal meeting that you were meant to be part of, and mind you the girl was in equal par with you. The fact that you have put your “I am available” profile on a public site is a request in itself for people to check you out. If a father requests you to come over to give his daughter’s hand, do not forget automatically a request is made by your father to accept his son’s hand in return. 

Secondly, let me tell you a fact. He who does not appreciate ‘friendship’ should simply perish. Be it son and father, mother and daughter, siblings, or even husband and wife. Without friendship the relationship is a major failure. You cannot build any relationship without friendship as core foundation. If you can’t consider your partner as a friend first, trust me you will never be able to live with her under the same roof. My advice, next time when you meet a girl, maybe you should try being friends first and then take things to the next level, it doesn’t work other way round. 

She shared her issues, her past because she was taught by her parents to be truthful. Those were her basic principles of life - truthfulness, honesty, and understanding. But sad you scored zero in all three. (In fact you scored in negative and should be debarred from any more attempts, only if there was a ‘specimen review section’ in that matrimony site). If you cannot bear someone’s truth, don’t you dare even think about making her your life partner! Did you say you liked her honesty? But sad, you are so dishonest to yourself. If her past really didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t have made an assumption about some else, you knew nothing about. Needless to say, you did not even want to understand her. You only wanted to understand the part, already set in your head. Any deviation from assumption was unacceptable. 

And to be honest, her dad was well aware of her issues. Daughters are apple of their father’s eye. She could have shown him enough and more issues, which you wouldn’t have even imagined to get yourself rejected and majorly ‘insulted’. Daughters are born with that privilege. You may have survival chances if you mess with a girl under her boyfriend’s wing, but when she is under her daddy’s wing, you have no chance honey. Maybe you should thank your stars that she kept her mighty daddy out of the picture, and saved your ass from getting insulted. Her parents were trying to find her, her prince and not just another random guy. They were trying in whatever way they possibly could. The fact that you actually got a chance to meet her was because she had enough and more respect for her parents. 

Lastly, I really feel sorry because your time was wasted. Frankly, it was her time that was wasted trying hard to put up with your nonsense. Guess it wouldn’t have been a waste of time for you if you had a chance to take her out and if she had lied about herself and presented a fake her, to perfectly suit your assumptions. Hope you learn to accept reality and I really hope your narrow mind broadens a bit in future, for your own good. 

Truth is you have been rejected. Oh is that a stolen line? Yes it is. 

Marriages and blah!

                                                   

"Love marriages around the world are simple: Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. They get married. In India, there are few more steps: Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. Girl's family has to love boy. Boy's family has to love girl. Girl's family has to love boy's family. Boy's family has to love girl's family. Girl and boy still love each other. They get married." ~ Chetan Bhagat.

A marriage in India, as we all know is a big affair. It’s like one of the most awaited event in the family. The minute the daughter reaches her mid 20’s or the son is kind of in a position to support a girl, the only thing the family can think about, is getting them hitched.  The elders of the family say marriage is a celebration of union of two individuals, two families, two clans, a celebration for the future and blah blah blah. I agree with them. But what I don’t agree with, or rather understand, are the hidden terms and conditions. For e.g. If the families are from the same caste, creed, community and whatever else you can think of, it’s like close to perfect reason for celebration.  And if not, things can get pretty ugly. Not just that, there are many other weird terms and conditions, which in today’s scenario does not make any sense to me. Off course I do not deny the fact that there are families who don’t believe in these any longer and are open to change, but fact is there are still families who do not want to even get close to the change. It is them that I am talking about.

“Marriages are made in Heaven”. Hmmm I have heard that like a million times. I really do not know if hell and heaven exist or not, but I know if they do exist it is not differentiated based on which  state you belong to, mother tongue, religion, caste, sub caste or whatever and therefore the match making happening out there is definitely not based on them either.  But back on earth, a large number of people love to believe that if marriages are made in heaven, it is definitely within the same community??!!

                                

Being from the same community is also not enough. The age, dowry capacities, horoscopes, family status…it’s a long list that is taken into account! Talking about horoscopes, it is nothing but checking the compatibility of the couple based on the celestial positions of the stars. And how do you determine that? Based on your exact time of birth and the location of birth. This concept has been passed on from generations to generation, it might hold some value. I am no one to judge its powers.  But, what if the time you think you were born at, is not the correct time? I was talking to a friend of mine who was posted at the gynaec department of a Govt. hospital for a while; the time of birth is noted usually by the nurse or the doctor in charge and is so prone to human error. Keeping an account of the exact minute of birth is quite cumbersome. The clock used to record, how well is it calibrated to the Standard time is a question mark. And during times of complication the importance is given to save the child or mother rather than noting the time of birth. But anyway the Kundli shall be made according to the so called time recorded! And his future shall be based on that Kundli. And mind you the difference in minute can make a huge difference! So basically if you think something is wrong with your horoscope you can blame the hospital, just you know, to make yourself feel good!

Lately my Facebook wall is overflowing with wedding and other related albums. The mehendi, the haldi, the engagement, the hen’s party, pre nuptials, post nuptials, honeymoons, random couply-lovey-dovey shots taken at exotic locations….. Name it and it is there somewhere on the wall. Let’s not get into the new trend of facebook wedding invitations!! These weddings are of varied nature. Besides the conventional arranged marriage types, there are Punjabi weds Madrasi, Bong weds Delhite, Marathi weds Marwadi, Mallu weds Northy, Shetty weds Konkani, Christian weds Hindu, girl weds a guy two years younger than her, divorcee weds a non-divorcee and sooo many more permutation and combinations. I don’t see anything wrong in them. The girl is happy  ...Boy is happy...They are happy as one. But then there I hear an Indian parent somewhere questioning “What about their families? Are they happy?” well I know these couples to some extent personally (I do not have the habit of adding random people on Facebook to make my list look longer). Some of them had a cake walk, they just told their parents about the guy or girl they liked and voila, engagement date fixed and the let the photo sessions begin. Fairy tale yeah? But yes the rest had to go through the Bollywood drama, but finally they were able to convince and were accepted by their families. Yes, the families were eventually happy, but only because they were ready to listen and they considered their children’s choice. They valued their logical explanation.

Those were the happy ones. I know a few friends too, who had to give up on their love simply because their parents didn’t agree. What I do not understand is, in today’s world, when you are totally open about sending your kids to the finest of education institute, in the country or outside the country, doesn’t matter; when you have absolutely no problem if he or she is being friends with a Gujarati or a Kashmiri or a Nepali; but you have a problem if she says she wants to marry a Gujrati! Suddenly your daughter is not compatible with people outside her own community! Suddenly you just assume that she will not adjust with a Gujrati! I am a Bong by default, but I hardly have stayed in Bong land…and hardly have Bong friends... My parents have given me the liberty to find a guy on my own. Now the possibilities of me finding a Bong, is definitely dim, but will they accept a Non Bong without raising eye brows? Gone are the days when girls were home bound. In olden days, within community marriages made absolute sense.  The girls were meant to be at home and exposed to only customs and traditions of her house. Obviously if they get her married to someone with different beliefs, there would be difficulties. The scene has changed now. People are aware of different cultures, exposed to new beliefs. They are ready to learn new things, adapt to new environment. But still some of us do not agree with it.

Then comes another theory. “You have to be rooted to your culture”. Hmmm just because someone wants to marry someone from a different background, does that really mean he is breaking his connection with his roots?  Yes, you are going to learn a new language, new habits, get exposed to new cuisine, new festivals, new traditions but does that mean you will forget your own language your own traits? You can learn new things but you can never unlearn what you already know. I am a Bong I will always be a Bong even if I get married to an African! My parents will always be my parents! Certain things do not change no matter what. Turning your back from duties and responsibilities towards your parents has nothing to do with your spouse’s ancestral origin! The girl from the same community is equally capable of brainwashing your darling son. There are enough and more Saas-Bahu soaps to support this (According to aunties, these are inspired from true stories). But still that Indian parent thinks that Mr Iyer will wash his hands off from taking care of his parents in future, because the girl he decided to marry is Ms Sharma.

                                  

The Indian parent has another query. “I feel these kind of marriages do not last?” My dear Indian parent, can you give me a 100% guarantee, that an arranged marriage after all the horoscope matching and status match and etc etc, will be a successful marriage? The answer is no. No one can give a guarantee. There is always an uncertainty. The same uncertainty is there in love marriage also. Things can go wrong in arranged marriage; things can go wrong in love marriage as well. Then why such a pathetic query?

For any parent, the fear is always there. After all it is about the child’s future. It is difficult to suddenly accept the change.  It is normal for questions to crop up in your head. There are cases where parents are ready to accept, but then they step back simply because they assume, the extended family members will raise objection. Off course they will raise objection. Didn’t you raise an objection when you first heard about the affair? Similarly even they will react. But you were convinced after a period of time, even they will be convinced over a period of time. It’s a chain reaction, the couple tells their family, they come up with questions and objection; the family tells their extended family, they will come up with questions and objection. The most favourite one being “Isn’t there anyone among US! What is the need to get an outsider?”  I really do not know how to answer that question. Making an attempt to answer that question itself would be a support to racism.  Imagine a scenario, God forbids something happens to you tomorrow and you need an immediate blood transfusion, and the doctors says coolly “Isn’t there anyone among your community! What is the need to get an outsider?”  The scene maybe different, but the idea behind is same.

It is all in the mind-set. If you think it is alright to get your macho son married to someone you found, and he has known just for a month; it is alright to get him married to someone he has found on his own and known for longer. Don’t ask me if the girl was faking her personality or not, because, it is possible in either of the cases. My point being, what is the difference?

We are blessed with a human mind. We are designed to think. We are capable of raising questions. But we also capable of finding answers with logic and practicality. The more the Indian parent wants, the more he can raise issues. But this leads to nothing but more friction, more fights and more emotional disturbances. Is it really worth going through the drama to be with the one you love the most? One can always elope and care least about the family. But the rest, who seek consent, is out of respect and gratitude. A YES can mean a happy ending for everyone. A NO can end happiness for some. I am not saying accept the choice blindly, yes I agree we can go wrong, but do not reject based on his/her caste creed or native traits. Wound heals over time, but scar remains. If it is truest of feelings between the two, it will never be forgotten. They may decide to go on separate ways, to keep their parents happy, probably even get married to someone of their parents’ choice. But is it fair? The wife may never take the lost loves’ place. Life will still go on. No doubts! But won’t it be a compromise? Think over it, when you really want something from within, and for some reason you are not able to get it, will you be able to forget about it? Ever?

Parents are parents. And Indian parents are one of a kind. If you are sure about the one you want to be with, do not hesitate and start the convincing process. Listen to them, listen to yourself. Reason out things. If you could fight with your parents at some point to go for a movie, you can fight for this too. From what I hear, there are couples who patiently convinced their parents over several years, and yes they believe it was worth the wait.  It’s a lonnnnnnggg process baby, and if you give up you know who the loser is!