Marriage and Hypocrisy

A year or two after I stepped out of high school, an old friend brought it to my notice that one of our classmate was married. In fact, she got married immediately after school was over. It took me a while to digest, that a girl who changed her boyfriend every season, settled down for arranged marriage, so soon. But what shocked me more was, a girl who showcased the hottest and trendiest cloths in town back then, suddenly gave it all up and never stepped out of her house without wearing the traditional abaya anymore.

That was just the beginning. As years passed by, more got married and with every wedding that took place, there was definitely someone talking about it and discussing it.  It just gave the not-yet-married ones more to ponder over. More to gossip over. More to think over. Come on! Didn’t you immediately whatsapp your bestie when you stumbled over ‘Her’ wedding news! Don’t deny it, we have all, sort of done it at some point. At this point, it has become more of a daily thing, well of course simple reason being, the rate at which the weddings are taking place have escalated. Actual reason being, we are getting older, but let us just ignore that like how we usually do.

A while back, some of these girls would not even throw a glance at someone “who was not so happening” “not so wow” “not charming enough” “not fun enough” etc etc, and any guy three years or more older than her was completely out of her league, simply too boring to be with and totally not acceptable to be seen around with. The moustached were eeewwwe and the clean shaven were gay! But then after few years, a wedding album pops up. She, of course gorgeous as ever, stood next to a man about five years older than her, with a little belly not too well camouflaged by his Manish Malhotra Sherwani! But then of course when we see the final fully edited professional album, all the excess baggage is perfectly hidden off by her hand strategically placed over his tummy and head over his shoulder, like those typical bollywood-movie-made-for-each-other poses.  He no longer belonged to the 'Boring Moustached Uncle' category, but he now belonged to he is ‘The One’ category. A typical conversation usually goes like, “How did you both meet?” “Oh! It was an arranged marriage, but then we fell in LOVE eventually. We are settling in so and so and he does so and so for his living”. Actual words often differ, but the base remains pretty much the same. It can be deciphered as - She is not exactly proud of it being an arranged marriage, but she has to prove it there is love and all that involved so an extra stress on “but we fell in love eventually”…he is a rich dude, not a struggler, life-made-easy, so all her immature criteria can be ignored and yes that’s why she loves him.

Looking at another plot, all through their bachelor hood, they usually find any girl younger than them by more than three years, to be a ‘kido’ and too immature to be dated or be involved with. She is way too quirky and her description of fun doesn’t match his. But suddenly when he is somewhere in or around his 30’s, he happily marries a girl who is just in her early 20’s. Either the ageing process weakens his brain cells disabling him to do simple maths and figure out the age difference, or he is a pedophile. (I am not saying this, this is the picture I got going by his definition of kids few years back). “So how did you guys meet?” “Well, it’s an arranged marriage dude, mom chose, I decided to give it a try…she is pretty, very innocent, full of life and fun…. she is a nice girl and man what an amazing cook and yeah eventually we fell in LOVE”. Of course at that age put any girl a decade younger than you next to you, she will look far prettier than you. What seemed childish a while ago, is acceptable now. You probably just need to be taken care of and she seems to fit in. Looks like the reasons are good enough for you to fall in love!

I agree every individual has their own confused definition of love, but helloo!! What kind of 'falling in love' was that? Not trying to sound like a heartless woman, but seriously, the so called love in both scenario is based more on life statuses & skill sets and very very little on the individuals they actually were. Sounds more like something to do with job recruitment process than something to do with finding a life partner. ‘THE’ life partner. The partner you plan on spending your entire life with! Where did all the commonly heard lines disappear? “I need someone who understands me”; “Someone who is like me”; “Someone with whom I can emotionally connect (and physically too!)”; “Someone I can just be crazy with?”; “Someone blah…and blah and blah?”

In most of these cases, they hardly get few months to actually know each other. I really wonder how do you judge a person in just few months, the few months where you are constantly being told in your head, to be nice! Movies, coffee, lunch, dinner, partying, late night calls, chats, skype whatever it maybe, you are always trying to be nice, subconsciously and consciously. The true self comes out only after the 'let’s be nice' phase is over. But before you even reach that phase you are probably already married. A new job also keeps you on a 6 month to 1 year probation period before you become their permanent employee, because they are not too sure, if you are actually as perfect as you seemed during your interview! I know it was probably the most ridiculous thing to compare arranged marriage with, but that's exactly my point, we have a dilemma about this whole concept, because this is what is exactly happening.

Why is that when it comes to arranged marriage, there is always a hurry? Why it is that life suddenly is expected to function on turbo mode? Why is that he is no longer an uncle for you or she is not a little kid for you? Is this maturity with age or blind acceptance? Is this adjustment or is it compromise?

A friend just posted her engagement snap. Those of you are who are imagining a romantic couple snap, let me tell you, no! it was a solo picture.  The engagement itself was a surprise to everyone, even to whom she met a week back. She wasn’t someone who kept her life private and away from world of social media. The to-be groom’s picture was nowhere to be found, neither was his name seen anywhere. Any query about the groom was casually ignored or simply just deleted. I wasn’t stalking her, but you know those days when you are sitting idle at work and try to kill time, and left with no choice but read the string of comments that pops up every two minutes, because you commented “Congratulations”. Frankly, I wasn’t surprised a bit. This was not the first time I saw something of this sort. This was a very common trend. The supporting reason is usually “We didn’t want it to be jinxed”. But we all know you are getting married going by your profile picture sweet pea, what if we jinx it now? We need better reasons honey. There can be only 3 reasons-

(a) You are not too comfortable about your partner

(b) You are not too comfortable about get married, at least not right now

(c) You are not happy about the whole thing or you have fear of the unknown

Why do we get so loose and so helpless when it comes to arranged marriage? Have you ever met someone who says it with all excitement and smiles that his/her parents are searching for someone? Won’t lie I have met only one! Just ONE in my entire life among I don’t know how many, who announced it with super excitement and actual smiles. But then again when the actual process began, her excitement sort of died down. Why do we blindly follow the herd? Why are we so hesitant to change the trend? It is you who is getting married! Not your mother. Not your father. You and your spouse will be solely held responsible to make it work. Not your mother. Not your father. Then why aren’t we solely held responsible when it comes to choosing the partner as well? I am not against arranged marriage; I am against ‘I will marry whoever my parents choose marriage’. Think over it there is a huge difference. Why do we suddenly become a spineless mama’s boy….. or a brain dead daddy’s little girl and accept things without using our own grey matter?

It all worked well for the older generations, it can work for us too. Possible. Maybe the connection will be built over years of being together. May be.  But what if it doesn’t? Can we really ignore the statistics? Look around! The number of divorces are increasing, and an alarming number of split ups are more or less based on compatibility issues. The concept of marriage counselling is gaining popularity. That wouldn’t have been possible if they didn’t have confused couples walking in. It was not well taken earlier, if someone filed a divorce case. It is still not well taken completely, but people are more open than before. Things are coming out in light. Though not completely. Extra marital existed earlier too, it exists now too. Just that it is easier to spot them out now. Majority of extra marital can be traced down to one reason. They are not getting what they want within their own marriage boundaries.

Everybody has a little dream, about their life partners. Right from when we enter our teenage hood, our subconscious mind is on a constant look out for the perfect match. Call it hormonal take over, human needs or whatever you want. We all have some bench marks set up in our head. Found someone? Sure about her? Put in some honest effort, make it work; convince the family, it is time consuming but trust me it is not impossible (Read blog # 1). Not sure about her? Go back to the lookout phase. Start over again. Find someone. (Unless you are one of those jerks who just wants to have some fun with the wildest of chics and then ultimately say ‘jaise mummy ki marzi’ and settle down for a homely, shy, coy girl. Dear girls, do yourself a favour and kindly refrain from marrying these commonly found two faced samples. Their own history speaks for their character and you do not have to be part of their ridiculous back up plan) Still haven’t found some one? No problem, arranged marriage was probably designed for this! But sadly once we reach this phase, we suddenly change. Why do we have this I-give-up attitude and ready to settle down for anything outlook once we reach this phase? Being flexible is a good thing, but being stupidly docile is a nothing to be proud of.

Why is it that when we are in arranged marriage scenario, the partner is chosen based more on your parent’s expectation and less on the actual in picture? Opinions will obviously differ. We are from different time period. My mother finds Anil Kapoor to be a very good looking man and John Abraham to be an ugly bag of excess muscles. I, on the other hand, any day would prefer shirtless or probably even bottom less John Abraham, wohooo, over shirtless Anil Kapoor. It is no big deal for my mom to do daily house chores in a saree. In fact she is more comfortable in a saree than denims. Needless to say it’s a different story for our generation. Voice out what you expect from your partner! Voice out what you expect from a marriage! Voice out what you expect from your life! Tell your dad, the degrees, qualifications or bank balance are not the only thing to be checked out for (Unless your only priority is showers of Gucci, Channel, Louis Vuitton, and Prada…or a shiny BMW as token of love from your darling pop in law, or a return on investment for your education expenditure). It doesn’t take long for someone to go up the ladder or miss a step and slip off. Tell your mom milky skin, jet black hair, cleaning and cooking abilities are not very important. Spend some money at Kaya, one will transform into a Goddess. You tube Tarla Dalal, and there you have the perfect Khaman Dhokla recipe in your hand, with the procedure which you can watch over and over again until you say it out like a parrot. Ask Google and she will give you 15 tested and tried home remedies to remove that tough haldi stain, or even give you tutorials for making perfect round chapattis! Tell them the horoscope doesn’t matter, because the same book of astrology seems to have more than one solution for every damn problem quoted in the horoscope. The caste doesn’t matter any longer when we have reached a phase where it is not shocking at all to find a Shudra with a million dollar bank balance and a Brahmin doing dishes at the little restaurant across the street. There was a reason why you were made to read about its history back in school. Not to score a 10/10, but to understand and apply!

One fine evening, we crossed a wedding hall with shennai in full blast and lights flashing enough to make one grab their sunnies. My mother was confused and was more confused when she realized it was a Hindu marriage. According to her they shouldn’t be getting married now. It was ‘THAT’ month of the year, where you are advised not to take out muhrat or something of that sort. Kind of like the black month in calendar. Partly out of curiosity and partly out of my habit of arguing with her about anything and everything that doesn’t make sense to me, I questioned her, Why? What is wrong? What will happen? “Because it is not a good month!” What’s not so good? How do you decide if a month is BAD? She took it up as a challenge and decided to dig out the actual reason. Turned out; back in those days, the weather was not so good! Made sense then, not any more. What I am trying to say is our ancestors and great great grand fathers were smart people; highly intellectual and intelligent people. Let’s continue with the smartness. Let’s not contradict them by following them blindly, rather let’s make them proud by following the base reasons behind them. Importance should be given to important things. Relevant things. Things that make sense in 2013. Stop saying, nah! you can't change the mind set.

You do not have to rush it up at all. Get to know each other. Take as long as it takes. By getting to know each other, I am not referring to courtship! That comes after we have made up our mind. I am talking about getting to know each before entering the courtship phase. A couple took two long years, to decide if they were meant for each other before saying just a yes and proceed further. It was an arranged marriage (Before you make an assumption, no her family wasn’t the ‘super cool’ types either). She doesn’t have the slightest fear of him being the wrong guy. Woken up middle of the night, she would still say “I DO” without thinking twice. I think the two years wait was worth it, compared to the frequent wedding jitters and cold feet some of them go through. Ever spoken to a friend just a week before wedding, “I am scared! I am still not sure if she is the right girl for me! What if something goes wrong” This is very very very common. Why say a yes if you are still not completely sure? What is wrong in taking a little more time to be sure? If she turns out to be the right girl, wonderful. What if she doesn’t? You are not going to achieve anything greater by marrying a year earlier and yes this applies to all the ladies out there too, who are unreasonably whining about getting older!

Let us not force ourselves into something we are paranoid about. Something we are uncertain about. Change is acceptable if it is for the good but compromising with who we are is not acceptable. Marriage is supposed to be one of the most beautiful things humans have created. It is a powerful institution. Let’s respect it and let’s take sensible steps towards it rather than a casual, half-hearted approach. Your better half is called so because he or she is supposed to bring out your better side and not suppress your individuality. And yes it is the other way round too. Do not change yourself; do not expect a change from the opposite, unless it is for the betterment. Be open, be patient, be what you want. Do not compromise with self, do not be fake, and do not leave scope for slightest regret. Let the glow on your face on your wedding day be a natural one. Let the smile on your face be seen through your eyes. And do not have a nervous breakdown a week before the wedding unsure of what are you getting into. Be proud of who you are marrying. Be happy about what you are getting into. There is nothing wrong in arranged marriage. Absolutely nothing wrong if your parents find you your partner. But do not marry someone simply and only cause your parents said so. Take charge of your life. Take charge of the choice you make. Take charge of your happiness. Let us be honest with ourselves and rise above hypocrisy.