Marriages and blah!

                                                   

"Love marriages around the world are simple: Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. They get married. In India, there are few more steps: Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. Girl's family has to love boy. Boy's family has to love girl. Girl's family has to love boy's family. Boy's family has to love girl's family. Girl and boy still love each other. They get married." ~ Chetan Bhagat.

A marriage in India, as we all know is a big affair. It’s like one of the most awaited event in the family. The minute the daughter reaches her mid 20’s or the son is kind of in a position to support a girl, the only thing the family can think about, is getting them hitched.  The elders of the family say marriage is a celebration of union of two individuals, two families, two clans, a celebration for the future and blah blah blah. I agree with them. But what I don’t agree with, or rather understand, are the hidden terms and conditions. For e.g. If the families are from the same caste, creed, community and whatever else you can think of, it’s like close to perfect reason for celebration.  And if not, things can get pretty ugly. Not just that, there are many other weird terms and conditions, which in today’s scenario does not make any sense to me. Off course I do not deny the fact that there are families who don’t believe in these any longer and are open to change, but fact is there are still families who do not want to even get close to the change. It is them that I am talking about.

“Marriages are made in Heaven”. Hmmm I have heard that like a million times. I really do not know if hell and heaven exist or not, but I know if they do exist it is not differentiated based on which  state you belong to, mother tongue, religion, caste, sub caste or whatever and therefore the match making happening out there is definitely not based on them either.  But back on earth, a large number of people love to believe that if marriages are made in heaven, it is definitely within the same community??!!

                                

Being from the same community is also not enough. The age, dowry capacities, horoscopes, family status…it’s a long list that is taken into account! Talking about horoscopes, it is nothing but checking the compatibility of the couple based on the celestial positions of the stars. And how do you determine that? Based on your exact time of birth and the location of birth. This concept has been passed on from generations to generation, it might hold some value. I am no one to judge its powers.  But, what if the time you think you were born at, is not the correct time? I was talking to a friend of mine who was posted at the gynaec department of a Govt. hospital for a while; the time of birth is noted usually by the nurse or the doctor in charge and is so prone to human error. Keeping an account of the exact minute of birth is quite cumbersome. The clock used to record, how well is it calibrated to the Standard time is a question mark. And during times of complication the importance is given to save the child or mother rather than noting the time of birth. But anyway the Kundli shall be made according to the so called time recorded! And his future shall be based on that Kundli. And mind you the difference in minute can make a huge difference! So basically if you think something is wrong with your horoscope you can blame the hospital, just you know, to make yourself feel good!

Lately my Facebook wall is overflowing with wedding and other related albums. The mehendi, the haldi, the engagement, the hen’s party, pre nuptials, post nuptials, honeymoons, random couply-lovey-dovey shots taken at exotic locations….. Name it and it is there somewhere on the wall. Let’s not get into the new trend of facebook wedding invitations!! These weddings are of varied nature. Besides the conventional arranged marriage types, there are Punjabi weds Madrasi, Bong weds Delhite, Marathi weds Marwadi, Mallu weds Northy, Shetty weds Konkani, Christian weds Hindu, girl weds a guy two years younger than her, divorcee weds a non-divorcee and sooo many more permutation and combinations. I don’t see anything wrong in them. The girl is happy  ...Boy is happy...They are happy as one. But then there I hear an Indian parent somewhere questioning “What about their families? Are they happy?” well I know these couples to some extent personally (I do not have the habit of adding random people on Facebook to make my list look longer). Some of them had a cake walk, they just told their parents about the guy or girl they liked and voila, engagement date fixed and the let the photo sessions begin. Fairy tale yeah? But yes the rest had to go through the Bollywood drama, but finally they were able to convince and were accepted by their families. Yes, the families were eventually happy, but only because they were ready to listen and they considered their children’s choice. They valued their logical explanation.

Those were the happy ones. I know a few friends too, who had to give up on their love simply because their parents didn’t agree. What I do not understand is, in today’s world, when you are totally open about sending your kids to the finest of education institute, in the country or outside the country, doesn’t matter; when you have absolutely no problem if he or she is being friends with a Gujarati or a Kashmiri or a Nepali; but you have a problem if she says she wants to marry a Gujrati! Suddenly your daughter is not compatible with people outside her own community! Suddenly you just assume that she will not adjust with a Gujrati! I am a Bong by default, but I hardly have stayed in Bong land…and hardly have Bong friends... My parents have given me the liberty to find a guy on my own. Now the possibilities of me finding a Bong, is definitely dim, but will they accept a Non Bong without raising eye brows? Gone are the days when girls were home bound. In olden days, within community marriages made absolute sense.  The girls were meant to be at home and exposed to only customs and traditions of her house. Obviously if they get her married to someone with different beliefs, there would be difficulties. The scene has changed now. People are aware of different cultures, exposed to new beliefs. They are ready to learn new things, adapt to new environment. But still some of us do not agree with it.

Then comes another theory. “You have to be rooted to your culture”. Hmmm just because someone wants to marry someone from a different background, does that really mean he is breaking his connection with his roots?  Yes, you are going to learn a new language, new habits, get exposed to new cuisine, new festivals, new traditions but does that mean you will forget your own language your own traits? You can learn new things but you can never unlearn what you already know. I am a Bong I will always be a Bong even if I get married to an African! My parents will always be my parents! Certain things do not change no matter what. Turning your back from duties and responsibilities towards your parents has nothing to do with your spouse’s ancestral origin! The girl from the same community is equally capable of brainwashing your darling son. There are enough and more Saas-Bahu soaps to support this (According to aunties, these are inspired from true stories). But still that Indian parent thinks that Mr Iyer will wash his hands off from taking care of his parents in future, because the girl he decided to marry is Ms Sharma.

                                  

The Indian parent has another query. “I feel these kind of marriages do not last?” My dear Indian parent, can you give me a 100% guarantee, that an arranged marriage after all the horoscope matching and status match and etc etc, will be a successful marriage? The answer is no. No one can give a guarantee. There is always an uncertainty. The same uncertainty is there in love marriage also. Things can go wrong in arranged marriage; things can go wrong in love marriage as well. Then why such a pathetic query?

For any parent, the fear is always there. After all it is about the child’s future. It is difficult to suddenly accept the change.  It is normal for questions to crop up in your head. There are cases where parents are ready to accept, but then they step back simply because they assume, the extended family members will raise objection. Off course they will raise objection. Didn’t you raise an objection when you first heard about the affair? Similarly even they will react. But you were convinced after a period of time, even they will be convinced over a period of time. It’s a chain reaction, the couple tells their family, they come up with questions and objection; the family tells their extended family, they will come up with questions and objection. The most favourite one being “Isn’t there anyone among US! What is the need to get an outsider?”  I really do not know how to answer that question. Making an attempt to answer that question itself would be a support to racism.  Imagine a scenario, God forbids something happens to you tomorrow and you need an immediate blood transfusion, and the doctors says coolly “Isn’t there anyone among your community! What is the need to get an outsider?”  The scene maybe different, but the idea behind is same.

It is all in the mind-set. If you think it is alright to get your macho son married to someone you found, and he has known just for a month; it is alright to get him married to someone he has found on his own and known for longer. Don’t ask me if the girl was faking her personality or not, because, it is possible in either of the cases. My point being, what is the difference?

We are blessed with a human mind. We are designed to think. We are capable of raising questions. But we also capable of finding answers with logic and practicality. The more the Indian parent wants, the more he can raise issues. But this leads to nothing but more friction, more fights and more emotional disturbances. Is it really worth going through the drama to be with the one you love the most? One can always elope and care least about the family. But the rest, who seek consent, is out of respect and gratitude. A YES can mean a happy ending for everyone. A NO can end happiness for some. I am not saying accept the choice blindly, yes I agree we can go wrong, but do not reject based on his/her caste creed or native traits. Wound heals over time, but scar remains. If it is truest of feelings between the two, it will never be forgotten. They may decide to go on separate ways, to keep their parents happy, probably even get married to someone of their parents’ choice. But is it fair? The wife may never take the lost loves’ place. Life will still go on. No doubts! But won’t it be a compromise? Think over it, when you really want something from within, and for some reason you are not able to get it, will you be able to forget about it? Ever?

Parents are parents. And Indian parents are one of a kind. If you are sure about the one you want to be with, do not hesitate and start the convincing process. Listen to them, listen to yourself. Reason out things. If you could fight with your parents at some point to go for a movie, you can fight for this too. From what I hear, there are couples who patiently convinced their parents over several years, and yes they believe it was worth the wait.  It’s a lonnnnnnggg process baby, and if you give up you know who the loser is!